My Journey to Motherhood

When a women travels in her birth to collect the soul of her child, they say she reaches a state of ecstatic bliss. But to arrive here, first she must travel through the underworld of resistance, fear and darkness. 



Anything that is worth collecting in life comes with both sides of a coin. Our nervous system included. To move through and collect the gold, there will no doubt be many lessons to work through, recognise and learn from.

I am writing this with 5-6 weeks until my first baby arrives on this earth. A state of limbo. Not there, yet not where I was. A place I have know many times before, the void, the unknown, and yes, it never fails to give me lessons. 

As I break my resistances and move forward with grace, I realise time and time I find myself in this space, I don't know everything. But my faith is so strong in belief, that it finds itself okay somehow. A humble teaching.

A mother to be, pregnant and holding my child, I have often felt like a lioness guarding her cubs. As my intuition has heightened, my need to protect my energy has increased. I am not the same girl was 8 months ago when I first found the news. I have become more sure on my placement in the world. More attuned to what works for me. Created a more stable connection to myself and to my partner.


As Ram Das says: The real work is done in the privacy of our own heart


The First Trimester: Just Surviving.

I have found each chapter (Medically known as trimester) brings something different.

The first month nothing massively changed, how would I know bar a missing bleed.

But, from 6-15 weeks, my body felt like I was thrown into a sensory overload. Morning sickness I had heard of. But this was 24 hour nausea. It didn't stop. Ever.

The smells. THE SMELLS. Still not 100% settled now- but at least I no longer where a covid mask with lemon essential oil poured all over the material insides.

Cooking, once my best friend, became my worst nightmare. Walking down my local high street I would have to cover my face with the selve of my arm dodging the extremely powerfully, highly toxic scents of oily bakery's. The smell of cheap cooking oil sent my nose and stomach into complete stimulation overload.

Garlic, onion, mustard, anything in the allium family- which from living in Spain for 10 years I adored- became the absolute devil. How? Why garlic. Even now it makes me wrench. So out goes the garlic and the rest of it. My partner included. Can you believe I can smell when someone has eaten it 48 hours after. Garlic detecter. I have to apologise now and kindly step away whenever I am in company to a fellow garlic eater, and let them know it is not to be taken personally, but I just might vomit if I come any closer. 

I believe we as humans all have one strong clairsense. An aspect of our senses that is more powerful than any other. It is the strongest part of our intuition which we can tap into and develop for guidance. As in pregnancy our intuition becomes so heightened due to the thinning of the veil, in this case, it has not always worked in my favour.


The Second Trimester: The promised glow.

There goes a saying, the pregnancy glow.

I would have a good laugh about this with a dear friend of mine who is just 2 weeks ahead of me asking "have you got the glow yet?" after projecting vomit in the shower plug. 

I couldn't believe this was such a thing with hormones racing in the way they did. I was just about floating above the water. Why had no-one told me about this?! I felt so ripped off.

Patience my friend I would hear and be reminded of, whilst desperately checking the symptoms of the next week, hoping desperately it would all turn around.

But it did, like anything in life, we cannot know the good if we haven't felt the bad. It is the dualism of our human nature. How could we know the moon without the sun? Love without anger? Opposites work together in a constant merging and expanding synchrony.

My energy levels changed and daily nausea changed. I don't mean at this point I was ready to run the London marathon. But I felt better. I felt more settled. It gave me grace and hope. This part of my pregnancy I was most energised and I started to emerge in a new way of myself, work and relationships.


The Third Trimester: Going Inward.

I am not going to focus on just everything physical, because we also have emotional, mental, spiritual aspects which make us tick over, and pregnancy definitely highlights all of the above. 

I am also not going to put my entire feelings directly onto pregnancy because feelings and transformations lead from committing to the art of self regulation, mastery and inner work. But, pregnancy is definitely a catalyst to this new part of my life.

It is up to us how we transform and learn through our life catalysts.

Protecting my energy and space has been and continues to be a huge theme of my life. It has become an art I have had to swim through in order to do my work. To arrive in integrity with an open heart yet stay in my own boat. I believe deeply in justice, humanity, informed education, respect for ourself and others- derived from my own life experiences, which is why I am so passionate to teach.

Carrying a child has helped me to lean more into my edges. To open yet protect. To receive and give. To be humbled yet to be proud.


The final parts

I never really craved to be a mother as I grew up, I saw myself as a traveller. But as I have evolved, grown and matured I understand that I am not just one thing. I am many 'things' a mother to be, a traveller, a friend, a teacher, spiritual, learning, old, young. We all are many things. No one can really tell us we are one piece in a jigsaw. Because we are all.

And so my journey to the unknown continues. This experience so far has changed me. I am not who I was. I don't know where I am going.

But I know one thing. I will give my child all that my inner child has wanted. Safety, trust and love.

Onwards I go.

With love, resilience and grace